Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Healing hurts


There's a downside to healing. It hurts so much more than being numb.

As I learn to name my emotions; as I became aware of all the growing up lessons I missed, and as I discover my need for closeness and bonding, I become more aware of my feelings of loneliness and a need for connection.

Last week I spent an afternoon and evening with my friend and her children. The next day, I found myself picking up the phone to call a friend, hoping to spend time together. The fact that I even thought to call someone was a positive change. The fact that I actually did, an even better one. The phone was busy all day.

But the next day was drive to Dr. Goodheart day with Mom, followed by dinner (at an actual restaurant!) with my Mom and Dad. The next, my upstairs neighbors surprised me with an invitation to join them for a delicious waffle dinner. Carrying on a conversation with two adults, while three children fought to take turns for my attention, filled some of the emptiness I'd found in my heart.

Several days later, the desire for connection was still there. I began to feel restless, but after reaching out several times and being disappointed, my heart had been hurt enough. Loneliness and disappointment were much too familiar to the child with no friends. I spent a day sleeping on and off. I noticed my arms hurting. I lost interest in wanting to talk or go out, even if I could. The familiar: depression.

I no longer care to read; hope the mail doesn't come; choose to go back to bed instead of reading; feel nothing but overwhelmed.

In a last-ditch effort, I call a far away friend, just to talk, but get her answering machine.

This is me--always has been me. But it's not me anymore. I'm transitioning, but I'm stuck without support; when depressed is the only way I know.

My parents call the next day. The familiar feeling of not wanting to talk: "I'm fine; forget what I said about needing groceries. No...really."

Is it better or worse, now that I see where it comes from; that I can watch myself going down?
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